I first came across Lori Gottlieb’s work when I read “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” her funny, candid memoir written from both sides of the couch — as a psychotherapist working with patients, and as a person undergoing therapy herself.
I was struck by her original voice, her wit and her ability to be vulnerable on the page. So I was thrilled when I found out that she’d be writing an advice column for Well called “Ask the Therapist,” tackling reader questions about life’s difficulties. Her first column was just published; look for future installments twice monthly. (You can sign up to get it in your inbox.)
I called Gottlieb, who is also a host of the “Dear Therapists” podcast, and asked her to share some of the best advice she had gleaned from her 15 years of clinical practice. She told me she wanted people to think of their mental well-being as “health, and not as a separate entity.” Some of her patients, she said, “wait until they’re having the equivalent of an emotional heart attack — and then they come in.”
Her tips from the front lines are below.
‘I didn’t mean that’ is not an apology.
Research suggests that taking ownership of your mistakes is one of the most essential components of an apology. But when Gottlieb treats couples, she said, she often hears phrases like “I didn’t mean that,” or “You shouldn’t feel that way, because that wasn’t what I intended.”
People say this, she said, because they feel misunderstood and blamed, and when they have that reaction, they become defensive. But making excuses is ineffective. No matter what your intentions may have been, she explained, the other person still feels hurt — so you should focus on how your actions or words landed with them.
“You don’t have to agree with the other person’s interpretation of the events,” she added, “but you can’t argue with the way someone says they feel.”
You’re not required to forgive anyone.
Forgiveness has become a kind of cultural mandate that is somehow supposed to set you free, Gottlieb said. She calls this pressure “forced forgiveness.”
“There are a lot of things that just simply aren’t forgivable,” she said. Gottlieb tells patients that they can cultivate compassion for the person who hurt them instead.
Forgiveness and compassion are different, she said. Forgiveness is something you actively come to, she explained, whereas compassion is an “innate human experience.”
Sometimes, you can separate what was done to you from the hurt person behind it, Gottlieb said, and truly imagine the experiences of that person — such as a mother or father who grew up with an emotionally or physically abusive parent. If you can do this, she said, you will probably feel compassion, even if it doesn’t lead to forgiveness.
And just because you feel compassion doesn’t mean you tolerate the behavior, she added.
Boundaries don’t always mean rejection.
Gottlieb often hears from parents who are upset that their adult children are setting boundaries, such as saying that they don’t want unsolicited parenting advice. But every relationship has boundaries, she explained: “You can’t just act however you want to act.”
While new boundaries may sting, “they’re not doing it to push you away,” Gottlieb said. “They’re actually doing it to have you come closer.”
Boundaries are usually a bid for connection, she added. “They’re saying, ‘Instead of cutting off this relationship, I want to make it work.’” When people understand this, she said, things often improve.
I could have happily chatted with Gottlieb longer, but soon enough, it was time for her to wrap up our session. But I can always read her column. And if you have a question that you’d like her to address in “Ask the Therapist,” email Askthetherapist@nytimes.com.
Health specialists share their most life-changing tips.
Our reporters asked experts for one essential health tip they rely on that they learned from their work. The result: 35 research-backed tricks, life hacks and rules for better sleep, mental health, fitness, sex and productivity.
Read the article: 35 Simple Health Tips Experts Swear By
Swimming lessons aren’t just for kids.
Erik Vance, an editor on our desk, was never a great swimmer — which is why in midlife, he decided to take swimming lessons for the first time since grade school. Here’s what he learned.
